Listening with intent

"Most people don't listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." 
Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change.

I came across this quote this morning, and I have to say it stopped me in my tracks. The fact that it hit me so solidly told me that this was something I was guilty of. I don't think I'm alone in that. ;)

How many times have you sat there, waiting for the other person to draw breath so that you could redirect the conversation to something you wanted to talk about?

So, where does this need come from? Are we so busy and hectic in our lives that we have lost the art of listening to one another? 

I know that there is a line of thinking that promotes 'active listening' and I know I've heard at least one guru talk about it. Making sure that you nod appropriately, make sounds of agreement or understanding, and every now and then drawing comparisons or metaphors to show your understanding. Important skills when someone is trying to teach you something or to communicate a difficult concept.

However, I wonder, is that always necessary?

With all our time saving gadgets we have, we seem to be freeing up more time to stuff full with other demands and pressures. Is "keeping up with the Jones's" a better lifestyle, or are we in fact tying ourselves to things we don't really need?

It's true that each generation has more and better opportunities to reach any potential they desire than the generation before them. Before I was 16, I had already traveled overseas twice, something my parents didn't experience for the first time until they were in their mid-twenties. My grandparents and their generation generally didn't leave the country unless you count serving in the armed forces during the two world wars. 

My husband and I recently had a conversation exploring the changes in technology during our lifetimes. The early computers we had required a special tape player to load programs, and you needed to load one an hour before you wished to play with it, because that is how long it took to load. Currently in our household we have two desk top computers and two lap-tops. Something that was inconceivable when our parents first saved up for a computer for us kids to play on. We also have a Wii, a console that actually requires you to move to play with it. I can remember laughing my head off at a friend's Mum who used to raise the entire joystick to make her avatar on screen reach higher - she was so carried away with the game that it became a reality to her that is now a required skill. 

I can remember my mother's excitement when we finally got a microwave oven - mind you, she went for a microwave convection oven, and we ate microwaved food for the next three months while she explored its diversity through the accompanying cook book. Despite her most intense efforts, some things just do not translate to microwave. ;)

So, our lives are less time intensive in caring for ourselves. We have greater convenience in processed foods and more choice - but is all that choice good for us? Obesity rates are skyrocketing, and disturbingly they are increasingly present among children. I heard a statistic the other day that said children living in families with at least one obese parent have an 80% chance of becoming obese themselves. 80%! I looked at my husband and down at my own girth and said to him, we have to do something about that!

Listening to Mum's around me, I hear them complain constantly about the demands and expectations that their children are putting on their time. There's sport, dancing, driving lessons, social events, tutoring and more. I've actually started to question this in the back of my mind - especially with a four year old who thinks that his every wish is my command. (I'm doing my best to disabuse him of that notion at the moment). How is it that these children have these expectations of us? Are we creating rods for our own backs?

I'm not saying that I have all the answers. I'm not saying that I'm going to avoid all of the pitfalls that face parents in this day and age. I am saying, that I'm starting to wonder, and starting to listen, and starting to search. What is it that we REALLY need in this day and age? What is it that can wait? What is it that I am listening to, and how much of that message am I really taking in?

For me at least, it's time to listen with intent.

xoxo